We talked about a lot of things, but one of the more powerful things was her shame.

She shared that both she and her husband were ashamed that they lived in the basement of a family member’s home.

They were ashamed that they struggled every month to generate the $1,500 it takes to feed a mixed family with six kids and two working parents — one of whom is also going to school.

She talked about feeling ashamed that she was tired all the time and that she and her husband couldn’t provide the things that “normal” families seemed to have – like vacations, new clothes, eating out, nice cars and a pleasant place for their kids’ friends to visit.

Her list of shames was extensive – so extensive that I told her she should be ashamed of her shame.

I also told her that while I was listening to her talk about how hard she and her husband tried to be good parents, carry their own weight, work hard, reach for the future with school, create a home of love and a host of other things, my reaction was the opposite of hers. I was exceedingly proud of her and thought she should be, too.

This young lady got me thinking about shame — who should be ashamed and who shouldn’t. Here’s a quick list that might stir the pot:

• You should never be ashamed if you are poor, struggle, and are unable to live as well as people around you.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you can work and don’t, fail to try to carry your weight, and transfer your accountabilities to people who do.

• You should never be ashamed if you are depressed, anxious, or emotionally distressed as you try to find your path through our crazy world.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you give in to anger, blame others, view yourself as an everlasting victim, whine, and feel sorry for yourself as you wait for the world to be nice.

• You should never be ashamed if you are not as gifted, smart, attractive, wealthy, socially adept or confident as others seem to be.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you ignore your good qualities, refuse to improve your bad ones, make excuses for staying the same, or fail to recognize one of the most magic elixirs on God’s earth – gratitude.

• You should never be ashamed if you have abused drugs or alcohol, been promiscuous, lied, cheated, stolen, been violent, or otherwise behaved in a bad fashion.

• You absolutely should be ashamed if you have chosen to keep doing those things, or having changed, failed to forgive your transgressions and move forward to your fuller potentials.

• You should never be ashamed if you have a family member who is a drug addict.

• You absolutely should be ashamed if you are that family member and not trying hard to fix it.

• You should never be ashamed if you have been bullied, picked-on, abused, degraded, or similarly harmed and struggled to rise above the damage.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you were or are a predator who does those sorts of things.

• You should never be ashamed if life has been so hard that you contemplated suicide.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you ever chose to act on that contemplation.

• You should never be ashamed if you are old, bear handicaps, are overweight, or had failures in life. 

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you surrender to any of those things.

• You should never be ashamed if you found school, books, and public education confusing, difficult, or boring.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you failed to search for your own unique learning style and dial it up to a point of meaningful action and achievement.

• You should never be ashamed if you struggle with faith, question God’s existence, find persuasion in the temptations of earthly idols, or fail to see God’s majesty in our DNA, the universe, and everything in between.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if you make any of these temptations permanent.

• You should never be ashamed if you fear the world, the growing forces of darkness, and the irrational, emotionally driven, violent, selfish, entitled, immoral people who seem to be growing like kudzu.

• You should absolutely be ashamed if allow such people to turn off your light, blind you to the joys and good things in our world, or entice you to join them.

Today’s culture vultures delight in claiming that shame has no place in a modern world.

That’s nonsense — shame appropriately applied is more crucial than ever.

Note a curiosity about shame: The people who do things they should be ashamed of are (1) tireless in pressing their assumed immunity and (2) joyous in applying shame to their opposition.

Our personal choices remain the number one determinant of our life outcome.