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The alternative facts of America
Thursday, 02 February 2017 13:07
Special to the Daily Planet

Jeff Messer is the host of a daily radio talk show on Asheville’s WPEK (880-AM, The Revolution) that airs from 3 to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday. This column features posts from his daily blog.

The following was posted on Jan. 24:

Ah, the double speak of empty-headed, half-baked rhetoric that has rolled like the “Raiders of the Lost Ark” boulder out of the first days of Trump.

The largest audience for an inauguration ever. Period.

Of course, we all know that math (and even facts) are considered to be conspiracy from the left by the right. So who should be surprised that so-called “alternative facts” are now all the official rage. Legitimizing delusion is the only way to justify what we are witnessing unfolding before us.

We all know that America likes to re-write history with a slant toward ourselves and our glory, so I decided to offer some help, with my own take on alternative facts from the history of America:

George Washington did not chop down a cherry tree, so therefore he never had cause to lie. He simply saved the healthy tree from a life of potential frostbite and birds pecking its fruit.

Andrew Jackson did not kill any Indians. He saved many of them from the eventual suffering of alcohol and obesity.

The Confederacy took sympathy on the failing and losing U.S. during the civil war, and actually helped them avoid the embarrassment of failing as a nation less than 100 years into it. So the South threw the fight to make sure the North felt better about itself.

Factory workers who died in fires, were actually being given extra heating assistance they asked for, but they themselves abused the generosity of their bosses.

The stock market did not crash in 1929. It was an actual attempt to stop the whiners who demanded distribution of wealth. And we see how that went. Those demanding that the rich give up some of their wealth nearly broke the entire system.

Civil rights violence against black people was actually doing them a favor, since it made them appreciate more the few freedoms they had — seeing some of their own kind blown up in churches or lynched. They grew to appreciate that it was not they who were made an example of, and they owe the people who did it an apology for making them look bad.

Nixon was a forward thinking genius in his attempts to honestly archive his time as president, but those who pushed him out of office prefer to not have an accurate record of things, which means they must want to hide something.

Ronald Reagan was not going senile, he was simply embracing the born again religious right with such full conviction and sincerity that he was actually mentally born again, and had the mind of an innocent infant for the final years of his presidency. That’s how Godly a man he was.

Monica Lewinski should be praised. She thought Bill Clinton had momentarily stopped breathing when she found him alone in the oval office. She rushed to perform CPR on him to save his life. Poor girl, though, she was absent the day they taught mouth to mouth resuscitation, and just got it a little mixed up.

George W. Bush was one of the smartest men to ever be president. He was so smart that he played dumb in an attempt to fool our enemies into making mistakes. The whole invasion of the wrong country was on purpose and meant to make them lower their defenses in other areas. It didn’t work, you say? Well, here’s how smart W was: it was a 20-year plan. Wait until 2023. They’ll see.

Obamacare didn’t actually save any lives. It actually prolonged suffering of people who economically would be in worse shape if they lived past 65.

Russians didn’t try to hurt our election system. They have some of the best IT people on the planet, and they were trying to help find holes in the systems to help the DNC fix them. Maybe their intent was lost in translation.

Donald Trump is not actually the president of the U.S. He actually took an oath to be the new bass player for the ‘90s band,  Presidents of the United States.

WNC native Jeff Messer has been a professional entertainer for most of his adult life, working in film and theater as a playwright, actor, director and producer since the early 1990s.



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