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The Advice Goddess: December 2018
Thursday, 06 December 2018 16:49

He’s surely the best man for the sob

By AMY ALKON
Syndicated Columnist


Q: I’m a 28-year-old guy with an amazing girlfriend. She gets upset and sometimes cries, and I never know how to soothe her. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing, so I don’t say anything at all. Of course, she then gets more upset, thinking I don’t care. But I do care, and I want her to know.

— Tongue-Tied


When things get emotionally fraught in a relationship, it’s tempting to wish for a simpler existence — like being a dog so all that’s expected of you is 1. Don’t pee on the rug. 2. Sit still while the girlfriend dresses you up as a bee. 

In fact, if you’re like a lot of men, a female partner’s tears are liquid kryptonite, causing you to pretty much lose consciousness while appearing to be totally awake and ambulatory. Women may not entirely get this — or the extent of it — because of some sex differences in emotion processing. 

Generally speaking, putting it in collegiate terms, the female mind majors in psychology; the male mind majors in physics — though individual male and female minds vary, of course. Research by psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen finds that women tend to be the “empathizers” of the species, driven (from childhood on) to identify others’ “emotions and thoughts, and to respond to these with an appropriate emotion.” Men, on the other hand, tend to be “systematizers” — driven to understand the inner workings of the blender. 

The good news is, there’s a secret — even for the most emotionally inarticulate man -- for comforting an upset woman: You don’t have to be Shakespeare; just don’t go all shutupspeare. For example, last week, when I was bummed about something — to the point of tears — I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and he said the sweetest thing: “I’m bad at this” (meaning knowing what to say) “but I want to help you feel better.”

This made me feel loved —  and better. Also, it was kind of sexy. (Showing vulnerability, contrary to what many believe, is a sign not of weakness but of strength — suggesting you have enough social and emotional capital not to act all superhero all the time.)

As an emergency measure — if even the words about not having the right words fail you — you can communicate your desire to comfort her with a hug, hair stroking, and other loving gestures. Again, just be sure to make some kind of effort to soothe her (lest she add feeling emotionally abandoned by her boyfriend to her boohoo list). Ideally, when your girlfriend suddenly wants to try some new positions, they aren’t things like standing on the base of the fireplace as she’s screaming at you to say something already.


Apartnering up

My husband and I started having problems when I found an email he sent to his ex-girlfriend saying, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He’s never complimented me during our five years together. He revealed that he and his ex used to have sex for hours, while the most we ever spent making love was 45 minutes — only once, when we were first dating. I think I should leave, but we have a 1-year-old child. We are good together caring for the baby, but it’s terrible to be with a man who lacks love, respect and desire for you.
— Tormented


Parents today are in fierce competition for whose kid achieves things first: “Little Euripides graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard while still in the womb!” Best not to be the parents whose child has the dark side nailed, reflected in Instagram brag shots like “Baby’s First Rehab!”

A good deal of research suggests that the healthiest home environment for a kid is an “intact family” — as opposed to the “Uncle” Of The Month Club. Couples wanting what’s best for their children are motivated to de-uglify their relationship and can often work out what I call “process-oriented” problems (counterproductive ways of interacting that lead to nasty fights or just seething resentment).

This is essential because even if nobody’s screaming and hurling casserole dishes, the underlying tone of a relationship is reflected in interactions as mundane as “Can ya pass the salt?” (Ideally, your tone suggests some affection for your partner — not that your reluctance to do time is all that’s keeping you from smothering them with a pillow.)

You, however, are in a relationship with a man who is deeply passionate about another woman and appears to see sex with you as a household chore. Your resentment from feeling unwanted and equally toxic feelings from him are sure to seep into your daily life. So, staying together under these circumstances would most likely be damaging for your child — but chances are, so would splitting up.

To understand why an intact family seems important for kids’ well-being, it helps to understand a few things from an area of evolutionary research called “life history theory.” It explores how the type of environment a person grows up in calibrates their psychology and behavior — for example, how able they are to delay gratification.

This calibration is basically a form of human mental economics — a subconscious calculation of how stable or risky a person’s childhood environment is and whether they’d be better off allocating their energy and efforts toward the now or the future. A stable, predictable environment — like growing up with middle-class parents who remain married, live in a peaceful neighborhood, and always provide enough food to eat — tends to lead to a more future-oriented approach (like being able to save money). Conversely, growing up in a dangerous neighborhood, having divorced parents with unpredictable finances, and getting moved around a lot is likely to lead to a more now-oriented approach (spendorama!). 

The good news is, you two may be able to break up without it breaking your kid. My friend Wendy Paris and her former husband did this — splitting up as a couple while staying together as parents of their young son. Wendy writes in her book “Splitopia: Dispatches From Today’s Good Divorce and How To Part Well” that they even relocated together from New York to Los Angeles, moving to separate places a few blocks apart. They hang out and do activities as a family. Her ex often comes over to make breakfast for her son and coffee for her. He even takes out the trash! Sure, he did that when they were married, but Wendy was too preoccupied with her issues with him as a husband to appreciate it like she can now.

It’s difficult to set up an arrangement like Wendy’s if you’re, oh...say...preoccupied with wishing your husband’s penis would wither and fall off like a skin tag under a dermatologist’s liquid nitro. In a situation like yours, where resentment is high, a mediator could be helpful. (Look for a marital specialist at Mediate.com.)

A mediator is not a judge and won’t tell you what to do. He or she is a neutral third party, de-escalating conflict — creating a safe, productive psychological environment. This makes it possible for people with disputes to work out a mutually acceptable agreement for how they’ll go forward. Now, mediation doesn’t work for everyone. However, it’s probably your best bet for “having it all” — acting in your child’s best interest and eventually having a man in your life who sees you as more than ballast to keep the mattress down in case there’s a tornado.
(c.) 2018, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon


 



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