Falling in leave

Q: My relationship ended recently, and I asked my ex not to contact me. But just as I’d start feeling a little less sad, I’d hear from him and fall apart. I’ve now blocked him on my phone and social media. This seems so immature. Why can’t I be more grown up about this?

A: For you, breaking up but staying in contact makes a lot of sense — about the same sort as trying to drop 20 pounds while working as a frosting taster. 

Sure, there’s this notion that you “should” be able to be friends with your ex. Some people can be — eventually or even right away — especially if they had a relationship that just fizzled out instead of the kind where you need a rowboat to make it to the kitchen through the river of your tears.

However — not surprisingly — clinical psychologists David Sbarra and Robert Emery find that “contact with one’s former partner … can stall the emotional adjustment process” by reactivating both love and painful emotions.  

For example, in their survey of people who’d recently gone through a breakup, “on days when participants reported having telephone or in-person contact with their former partner, they also reported more love and sadness.” 

It might help you to understand how adjusting to the new “no more him” thing works. In a serious relationship, your partner becomes a sort of emotional support animal -- the one you always turn to for affection, attention, and comforting. This habit of turning toward him gets written into your brain on a neural level, becoming increasingly automatic over time. 

Post-breakup, you turn and — oops — there’s no boo, only a faint dent in his side of the bed. Your job in healing is to get used to this change -- which you don’t do by having him keep popping up, messing with your new belief that he’s no longer available for emotional need-meeting.

That’s why, in a situation like yours, breaking up with your boyfriend should work like breaking up with your couch. When the thing gets dropped off at the city dump, it stays there; you don’t come out on your porch the next morning to it saying, “Hey, babe…was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d bring over some of your stuff — 36 cents, a pen cap, and this hair elastic.”

Mute emergency

There’s a reason the line from that chick flick is “You had me at hello” and not “You had me at ‘Those jugs yours?’”

Granted, it’s better if you can be funny when hitting on girls. Evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller believes “humor production ability” is a “hard-to-fake” sign of intelligence in a potential partner. 

Research by Miller and others suggests he’s right — finding correlations between humor and “verbal creativity” and intelligence. But note “hard-to-fake.”

Trying to be funny when you aren’t all that funny is about as successful a tactic as trying to remove someone’s appendix when you aren’t really a doctor.

However, even if you aren’t naturally funny, what you can be is genuine. To do this, just say something — perhaps about something in the environment. 

Ask about that book she’s carrying or whether she’s survived the vegan Reuben. Maybe comment on the attire of the two armed men running out of the place with a bag of money.

Just saying something is basically like opening a tiny door to see whether anything’s behind it.

If a woman finds you attractive, she’ll pick up and respond — and probably not by announcing that if you were the last man on earth, she’d develop a sexual attraction to trees. 

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 (c.) 2017, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Songs that marked the career of a major figure of American folk music rang out in “Seeger, a Multimedia Solo Show” June 14-25 at the North Carolina Stage Company in downtown Asheville.

“We Shall Overcome,”sung by actor Randy Noonjin in a portrayal of Pete Seeger, was associated with the icon and was the anthem of the civil rights movement.

Nooonjin explained to the small crowd at the venue that Seeger adapted it from an early 20th century song called “We Will Overcome.”

“Pete changed it to ‘shall,’” said Noonjin, sporting a trademark Seeger billed leather cap and carrying a long-neck banjo. “‘Shall’ felt better in the mouth for singing than ‘will,’” he added.

Nonjin’s rendition of “Goodnight, Irene” drew heart-felt vocal accompaniment from the June 16 audience. In 1949, the Weavers, a folk quarter that included Seeger, had a smash hit with the song written by Leadbelly.

A songwriter himself, Seeger with fellow Weaver member Lee Hayes, penned “If I Had a Hammer.” Noonjin, in clear tenor voice, sang it that night and once again the mostly  grey-haired crowd of 33 in the 150-seat theater sang along.

In 1951, Seeger was charged by the federal government with associating with communists and was blacklisted. For 17 years, his music was banned from the national airwaves.

During that period, he penned “Turn Turn Turn,” with verses adapted from the Bible. In 1965, it became a No. 1 hit for the folk-rock group, the Byrds. On June 16, 2017, Noonjin’s version was accompanied by scenic landscapes projected on a large screen.

While forcibly out of the spotlight, Seeger, according to Noonjin, played small venues only. “He loved playing in grade schools more than anything,” said the actor who also wrote the narration of the 90 minute production. “He loved leading those kids in singing ‘This Land is Your Land.’”

In 2013, the real-life Pete Seeger led a singalong of the Woody Guthrie anthem at a Farm Aid concert — with Willie Nelson, Neil Young and John Mellencamp helping out.  Five years earlier, Seeger (who died in 2014 at age 94) sang at the Smithsonian Institution with family members, including half-sister Peggy Seeger.

A singer/songwriter herself, Peggy Seeger lived in Asheville in the 1990s — and performed here often.

Asheville is where Seeger — a life-long champion of peace, human rights and clear air and clean water — first  heard the  five-string banjo, his signature instrument. It happened when he, as a teenager, heard one at a Mountain Dance and Folk festival and reportedly it was love at first listen.

Noonjin following his show pointed out  that the banjo he uses is authentic — it, like the model Seeger invented, is two frets longer than the standard one. On it is inscribed the words: “This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender.”

“Woody Guthrie’s guitar had ‘This machine kills facists’ written on it,” said Noonjin. “Pete was following suit.”

Five years ago, Noonjin was in Asheville, portraying Woody Guthrie in a one-man show called “Hard Travelling With Woody Guthrie.”

On tour nationally with his simply titled “Seeger” show, he is the winner of countless acting and writing awards. 

A native of Indiana he did NOT grow up a folk music aficianado. “I liked Hank Williams,” he said. “The folk music came later.”